With Sign Ban, Skins Fans Turn to Fat People

November 4, Landover, MD-As Redskins fan have let the new sign ban sink in, many are thinking of new ways to get their message to the tv cameras and to Dan Snyder and have thought of a creative solution, the use of fat men with no shirts. Fat men have long been a tradition at football games in the history of the NFL and particularly in the Hog Pit in the stands at FedEX field, but this would be a unique point in the history of the league.

The plan, paint your message on to the body of a fat man and have him be in the park with no shirt on. "Genius," said longtime skins fan Albert Bream. "I have been dying to tell Snyder that I want to hang him by his underpants from the upper deck and that was suppose to be what my sign was for. Now I will just use my brother in law."

Nats Town Demoted to Nats Village

November 4, 2009, Washington, DC-Given the recent drop in attendance at Nationals Park and given the paltry fan base, the US Census Bureau announced today that Nats Town is no longer considered a town and will now be referred to as Nats Village.

"It is purely a numbers game," said US Census supervisor Ted Tree. "This is not a political decision. There are no other factors that go into this other then actual population." The US Census Bureau did not eliminate the possibility that Nats Village could again become Nats Town if a population boom were to occur.

Chris Cooley Toasts to Nine Months or so Since His Balls Were Last Publicly Seen

July 8-Wyoming-Washington Redskins Chris Cooley, fresh off his road trip to Wyoming or wherever it is he was going while filming every odd minute of the trip, recently celebrated at a bar by exclaiming a toast to "nine or ten months since my balls were on the internet."

Cooley became famous for posting a picture of his playbook on his blog, forgetting that it should his coin purse in the camera shot as well. Although it is pretty standard to read your playbook pants less in the NFL, the rest of the world seemed a little surprised by this and it became an overnight internet sensation.

Some may say Cooley did it on purpose to launch his popularity, brand and blog astronomically at once. Others say it was because he was proud of how his meat and potatoes look. The real reason may never be known though it is true it really helped his blog traffic.

Josh Bard Will be Featured in Eastern Motors Commercial

July 7-Washington, DC-Eastern Motors has decided it will expand its arsenal of DC sports figures endorsing their cars by choosing their first National, catcher Josh Bard to do ads for them. Eastern Motors is famous for their commercials featuring DC area athletes, mostly Redskins, however, this past season they expanded to hockey with ads featuring Alex Ovechkin.

"This is awesome man, to be the first baseball player they choose I really like it," said an ecstatic Josh Bard by phone from the Nationals game in Denver, his home town. "I know Elijah and Nyjer and many other guys would have been the obvious first choice but I am just so glad they chose me."

An Eastern Motors source who wanted to remain anonymous for fear that he did not want his boys to know that he knew what a blog was revealed that it was a tough decision for Eastern Motors to choose between Jordan Zimmermann or Josh Bard, but in the end they decided on Bard because he is a more established big league players and because his catcher's gear looks pretty gangsta.

The commercial will repordetly show Bard in an Escalade singing (rapping) and driving around Nationals Park.

Nick Johnson Briefly Detained for Dirty Things

July 6-Denver-Washington Nationals first baseman Nick Johnson was briefly detained by police in the Denver airport on his way to play the Colorado Rockies because police said he had a striking resemblance to a pedophile that was wanted.  

"The resemblance was uncanny," said Denver police Lieutenant Nigel Babcock.  "We apologize to Mr. Johnson and got it correct pretty quickly but even he admitted that the dude looked like him.  Our bad."

"I mean look at the dude, I'm surprised this does not happen every road trip," said teammate Ronnie Belliard.  "Good guy, heart of gold, mustache of a pedophile."

Austin Kearns Shocked He Is Not Going to All Star Game

July 6-Denver- During batting practice before the Washington Nationals series opener against the Colorado Rockies Austin Kearns revealed that he was shocked he was not going to the all star game this year. "I have had a real good year, especially with the bad," Kearns said. "Whatever though I know I am on my way to a big contract this off season."

"It was a tough decision, but in the end I think Austin fell just short," said National League Manager Charlie Manuel.

Instead of Kearns, Ryan Zimmerman will represent the Nationals at the All Star Game next week. "Well somebody has to go," said manager Manny Acta about his team's all star representative.

Lerner Family Can't Wait to Sell Nyjer Stirrups

July 1-Miami-The Lerner family, owners of the Washington Nationals, were very excited about the promotional opportunities that the acquisition of Nyjer Morgan would mean for the team and more importantly the team store. The Nationals plan to start selling Nyjer stirrups once the team returns to Washington for a weekend set against the Braves.

"We get a better defender, get that bum Milledge out of here, and get to launch a great new product, said Ted Lerner at the press conference annoucning the trade. "The Dodgers sold like a billion Manny dread lock wigs, I can't wait to see all of our fans wearing Nyjer stirrups."

Morgan was excited for the opporutnity as well, "I can't wait to have my own brand, that's why I have been wearing stirrups forever," he said. "You don't really think they are comfortable do you?"