June 30-Maimi, FL-John Lannan became devastated and started crying when informed that his roommate and best friend forever Joel Hanrahan had just been traded to the Pittsburgh Pirates. When asked for comment on the situation Lannan could only say, "Words can't describe what I am feeling right now, Joely will be missed greatly."
Other teammates didn't seem to care so much. "I freakin love Pittsburgh, it's the greatest place ever, lucky for Joel," said Nationals reliever Joe Beimel.
"Sucks for Joel to be traded with Lastings," said Nationals acting GM Mike Rizzo. "No matter what happens I look good and Joel is forgotten because I got that bum Milledge outta here and got something back for him."
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Joe Gibbs Racing Announces Expansion Into Segway Racing
June 28-Raljon, MD-Joe Gibbs Racing today announced that it will be expanding its racing teams from NASCAR to Segways starting in 2010. The annoucement came Sunday for no particualr reason at FedEX field in front of a large crowd of onlookers leaving a nearby church after Sunday services.
"Segway racing is the next big thing and we want to be in on the ground floor," an ecstatic Gibbs said. The press conference failed to address the seemlingly major hurdle, which is a lack of a professional Segway racing league circuit, racing tournaments, or really anything more formal than two weirdos that own them racing around a parking lot.
When asked about these potential problems in his plan, Gibbs seem unfazed and possibly drunk. "We are gonna race these things like there ain't no tomorrow. I will race you, your neighbor, your whole family, I don't care."
"Segway racing is the next big thing and we want to be in on the ground floor," an ecstatic Gibbs said. The press conference failed to address the seemlingly major hurdle, which is a lack of a professional Segway racing league circuit, racing tournaments, or really anything more formal than two weirdos that own them racing around a parking lot.
When asked about these potential problems in his plan, Gibbs seem unfazed and possibly drunk. "We are gonna race these things like there ain't no tomorrow. I will race you, your neighbor, your whole family, I don't care."
Monday, June 29, 2009
Devin Thomas Changes Name to Devin Eleven, Moves in With Jason Campbell
June 29-Ashburn, VA-With the start of training camp rapidly approaching the big news out of Redskins camp today came off the field with the announcement that Devin Thomas, the second year receiver for the Redskins, has changed his name to Devin Eleven and moved into Jason Campbell's house in preparation for training camp.
Thomas denies that this was in any way motivated or inspired by the antics of Bengals wideout Chad Ochocinco. "I have been trying to change my name to Devin Eleven for years now," Thomas said, "Problem was I just hired some crappy lawyer off the internet and man did he screw the paper work up. Nobody knows this but in the past year I have legally been Devin Poopybrains, Devin Uno Uno, and Devin Abdul-Jabbar. I am glad that my name has finally been changed to Devin Eleven and I can focus on having a big season and being more popular than a slurpee in the summertime. Oh hell yeah."
"I like it, I think its hot," says quarterback and now roommate Jason Campbell. "It has such good flow to it. On another note, if he don't start taking his trash out and stop farting he is gonna be having all sorts of problems."
Thomas denies that this was in any way motivated or inspired by the antics of Bengals wideout Chad Ochocinco. "I have been trying to change my name to Devin Eleven for years now," Thomas said, "Problem was I just hired some crappy lawyer off the internet and man did he screw the paper work up. Nobody knows this but in the past year I have legally been Devin Poopybrains, Devin Uno Uno, and Devin Abdul-Jabbar. I am glad that my name has finally been changed to Devin Eleven and I can focus on having a big season and being more popular than a slurpee in the summertime. Oh hell yeah."
"I like it, I think its hot," says quarterback and now roommate Jason Campbell. "It has such good flow to it. On another note, if he don't start taking his trash out and stop farting he is gonna be having all sorts of problems."
Four Years From Thursday Marks SI Where Are You Now Wily Mo "Trapzilla" Pena Issue
June 29-New York-Sports Illustrated just announced that four years from Thursday will be the Where Are They Now edition featuring Wily Mo "Trapzilla" Pena. The man who had a brief an injury filled career for the Washington Nationals despite displaying an enormous amount of power and very little ability to use it.
"He could hit a ball very far," said disgraced general manager Jim Bowden. "But he didn't hit the ball very often, that's for damn sure. We'll chalk that one up to my bad."
Since being cut in spring training 2009 by the Washington Nationals, Pena has been cut by the Mets AAA affiliate in Norfolk and then fell off the face of the earth. Although it would be very hard for a person with traps like that not to be noticed wherever he went he has certainly managed to accomplish it.
Sources tell the DC SportsDay that he has moved to Miami and now lives under the alias of "Papi," but DC SportsDay has been unable to conifrm these reports.
"He could hit a ball very far," said disgraced general manager Jim Bowden. "But he didn't hit the ball very often, that's for damn sure. We'll chalk that one up to my bad."
Since being cut in spring training 2009 by the Washington Nationals, Pena has been cut by the Mets AAA affiliate in Norfolk and then fell off the face of the earth. Although it would be very hard for a person with traps like that not to be noticed wherever he went he has certainly managed to accomplish it.
Sources tell the DC SportsDay that he has moved to Miami and now lives under the alias of "Papi," but DC SportsDay has been unable to conifrm these reports.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Willie Harris Spotted Without Enormous Dip In
June 27-Baltimore, MD-During the game today between the Washington Nationals and the Baltimore Orioles, Nationals utility man Willie Harris was spotted without an enormous dip in his mouth for the first time ever in public.
The reaction of the public and teammates was a consensus, everyone was stunned. "Nah papi, you lying," teammate Jesus Colome said in shock. Bubba Sparxx who for some odd reason was in the stands for this game said,"Man, now people are gonna start to question whether he is a true talent or just a redneck substance abuse addict."
Shock resonanted throughout the country as this news spread. "Impossible," said Cairo, Georgia and Willie's former coach Preston McIntosh. "The press is just trying to make something when there ain't no other news out there."
The reaction of the public and teammates was a consensus, everyone was stunned. "Nah papi, you lying," teammate Jesus Colome said in shock. Bubba Sparxx who for some odd reason was in the stands for this game said,"Man, now people are gonna start to question whether he is a true talent or just a redneck substance abuse addict."
Shock resonanted throughout the country as this news spread. "Impossible," said Cairo, Georgia and Willie's former coach Preston McIntosh. "The press is just trying to make something when there ain't no other news out there."
Friday, June 26, 2009
Actual Village Idiot Suing Stan Kasten for Defamation of Character
June 27-Washington, DC-An actual village idiot has filed a lawsuit today in DC Superior Court against Stan Kasten and the Washington Nationals for defamation of character according to a court spokesman.
"This is a very serious issue and we plan to pursue all avenues under the law," said Morton Greenberg, the attorney of record for the actual Village Idiot. The actual Village Idiot refused to comment referring all questions to his attorney.
Stan Kasten and the Washington Nationals were not available for comment on Friday. A Nationals spokesperson would only say on condition of anonymity, "Hasn't this franchise gone through enough?"
"This is a very serious issue and we plan to pursue all avenues under the law," said Morton Greenberg, the attorney of record for the actual Village Idiot. The actual Village Idiot refused to comment referring all questions to his attorney.
Stan Kasten and the Washington Nationals were not available for comment on Friday. A Nationals spokesperson would only say on condition of anonymity, "Hasn't this franchise gone through enough?"
Wil Nieves is Going to Punch the Next Person that says, "Who? Wil Nieves"
June 27-Baltimore, MD-In a press release before today's game between the Baltimore Orioles and Washington Nationals, the Nationals, fearing safety of innocent fans, issued a press release urging people not to ask Wil Nieves who he is. The root of this problem is from a commercial of MASN defining moments featuring Wil Nieves hitting a walk off home run against the Chicago Cubs and being moderated by a weird guy with a moustache.
"Not only is the commercial very annoying, but it is aired literally every commerical break on MASN," said team president Stan Kasten. "It is really starting to wear on Wil and the whole Nationals family, we are just trying to nip this situation in the bud before it gets blown out of proportion."
"It is really grinding on him, anytime a question is asked he is on edge, fearing someone is making a bad joke again," said fellow catcher Josh Bard. "I feel for him, that man in the moustache is really haunting him."
"Not only is the commercial very annoying, but it is aired literally every commerical break on MASN," said team president Stan Kasten. "It is really starting to wear on Wil and the whole Nationals family, we are just trying to nip this situation in the bud before it gets blown out of proportion."
"It is really grinding on him, anytime a question is asked he is on edge, fearing someone is making a bad joke again," said fellow catcher Josh Bard. "I feel for him, that man in the moustache is really haunting him."
Etan Thomas Not Happy About Minnesota, Cites Lack of Good Poetry Slams and Missing Brendan Haywood as the Reasons
June 27-Washington, DC-A fan spotted Etan Thomas at a poetry slam Saturday on U Street and asked Etan Thomas how he felt about being traded to the Minnesota Timberwolves and he broke out into tears. Thomas said that he will miss DC, especially the poetry slams and his best friend for life Brendan Haywood. The fellow poetry slammer was taken aback by such a large man crying and went over to the corner to write out his feelings in haiku form while the slam continued on.
Thomas was traded to the Timberwolves earlier this week because he sucks and makes a lot of money. Thomas though did not see it that way, "I feel like the Wizards wanted a change in personnell, but I do not think that they really wanted me to be the change, I just happened to be who they got the best offer for," Thomas said. Wizards general manager Erine Grunfeld disagreed, "I am ecstatic, those morons took him and his crappy contract, drinks on me tonight" Grunfeld said.
His teammates seemed to have similar reactions to his departure. "Oh hell yeah," said fellow big man Brendan Haywood, undoubtedly joking because the two are in fact best friends. "Nice dude, I am tired of him and those damn glasses, its like he is trying to be all intellectual, I can't stand him," said G-Wiz the Wizards mascot that has nothing to do with Wizardry.
Thomas was traded to the Timberwolves earlier this week because he sucks and makes a lot of money. Thomas though did not see it that way, "I feel like the Wizards wanted a change in personnell, but I do not think that they really wanted me to be the change, I just happened to be who they got the best offer for," Thomas said. Wizards general manager Erine Grunfeld disagreed, "I am ecstatic, those morons took him and his crappy contract, drinks on me tonight" Grunfeld said.
His teammates seemed to have similar reactions to his departure. "Oh hell yeah," said fellow big man Brendan Haywood, undoubtedly joking because the two are in fact best friends. "Nice dude, I am tired of him and those damn glasses, its like he is trying to be all intellectual, I can't stand him," said G-Wiz the Wizards mascot that has nothing to do with Wizardry.
Michael Ruffin Named to Wizards All-Decade Team, Surprusing All
June 26-Washington, DC-After fans became very upset with the Wizards for not drafting DaJuan Blair in the second round, the public relation staff decided to release a hastily put together all-decade team in an effort to get the press focused on other things. The roster has many interesting selections listed below.
G-Steve Blake
G-Juan Dixon
G-Tyronn Lue
F-Charles Oakley
F-Calvin Booth
F-Darius Songalia
F-Popeye Jones
C-Christian Laettner
C-Jahidi White
C-Kwame Brown
G-Steve Blake
G-Juan Dixon
G-Tyronn Lue
F-Charles Oakley
F-Calvin Booth
F-Darius Songalia
F-Popeye Jones
C-Christian Laettner
C-Jahidi White
C-Kwame Brown
John Lannan Recognized
June 25-Washington, DC-After a home game at Nationals Park John Lannan was walking home to his apartment on Capital Hill and was recognized in public for the first time by a fan. "I knew the day would come some time," Lannan said, "I really feel like I have made it now."
Those prominent eyebrows on Lannan make him an easy target for joking from teammates and easily recognizable to anyone who has ever seen him, but those people appear few and far between. Lannan also was the opening day starter for the Nationals in 2009 and had 21 quality starts in 2008 going 9-15 with a sub-4.00 ERA.
In most cities people like John Lannan would certainly be recognized everywhere they go, but not so here in the Nation's Capital. "I have already been recognized three times in my Nationals career in public so John still has a ways to go to catch me," teammate and roommate Joel Hanrahan said.
Those prominent eyebrows on Lannan make him an easy target for joking from teammates and easily recognizable to anyone who has ever seen him, but those people appear few and far between. Lannan also was the opening day starter for the Nationals in 2009 and had 21 quality starts in 2008 going 9-15 with a sub-4.00 ERA.
In most cities people like John Lannan would certainly be recognized everywhere they go, but not so here in the Nation's Capital. "I have already been recognized three times in my Nationals career in public so John still has a ways to go to catch me," teammate and roommate Joel Hanrahan said.
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